Self Reflection

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Date: 26 May 2022

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I... accidentally found my passion actually lies in filmmaking, that's possibly the worst timing I've ever encountered to make a discovery, 2 days before the entrance exam of my prime target of enrolling. Selection phase of majors were already closed last month, real bummer.

I do like making videos, as you might've remembered from the time I told my faucet video... (I should make a subtitle for that and share it here some day.) But it never sit right with me, so I never answered that call of the wild. I enjoyed staring at adobe premiere's timeline for hours, I enjoyed writing stories, scripts, pondering about video ideas, even staying all night and torturing myself to an unhealthy amount of editing work, I love it. And it sounded so ridiculous now that I remember how much I love doing all of this, yet was so opposed to the idea of pursuing it for the rest of my life.

It all happened last week, when my sister got an assignment to make a product commercial. I helped her by giving my thoughts, although over time she just nodded and agreed to do whatever it is that I proposed. So we decided to do a short ad of the Magnum ice cream, really, it was just her getting a bite of it on-camera, and I really enjoyed editing them. I still rewatched it every few days, that's how proud I was of the work.

Then the major choice of this particular private uni I'm applying to (for an emergency cushion, in case I failed all entrance exams for public unis) has an unusual 2nd alternate option. Pretty much all of the university that I applied to only offered one alternate options in case I failed the selection exam for my prime choice of major, so this is very much an anomaly. So I normally filled the first two with computer science and english literature, but I never even imagined I'd be required to select a 3rd option.

It all just seemed to align at this point, the video commercial assignment, the 3rd required option, the mirrorless camera my father bought for us last month, it almost sounds freaky when I put it together like this. Divine intervention at its finest, well, its what I believe to have happened.

I was really on my lowest point these past few days, perhaps its been going for weeks now. Anxious and unprepared for the entrance exam, the exam to enter a major I don't have the slightest burning passion for, house chores left unattended for days already, just being a total wreck psychologically, pretty much.

In fact, I was in the middle of writing a sorry-ass depressing diary log about flunking my exam to post here last night and hadn't felt like continuing it this morning because I need to figure out what to pick for this newly found 3rd option. Guess it all works out in the end.

I mean, I'm still gonna flunk it to be perfectly honest. But at least I got a clear destination to aim for now, unlike before.

The fog is thick still, but I'm not afraid anymore. Typing this line while listening to Minato Aqua's Kaisou Ressha, I felt peaceful.

Kaisou Train: I'm just a little bit scared
But I can't stop the dream that I already started
Because I don't know the right answer even if I try to think about it
I just want to look at this scenery spreading out in front of me

One might say, that's not how the song was supposed to be interpreted.
I'd say, life doesn't have meaning, 'we' imbued it with meaning ourselves.

I don't really know, but I felt a sense of optimism despite nothing having been set in stone.